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| holding the new born KH hours after her birth |
Just past midnight: London, Ontario, Canada, June 8, 2008. Our daughter, KH was born around 12:45 am. I was assisting D (my wife) in the birthing room. Although D wanted a natural birth, circumstances beyond anyone's control forced her to consent to a C-section. We found ourselves then in the birthing room. I was holding my wife's hand while the C-section was being performed. There was like a (cloth?) barrier between D's upper body and abdomen area so that we would not see the bloody procedure being done inches away. However, I wanted to witness with my very eyes the birth of our child so I asked the doctor if I could stand up and see the procedure being conducted beyond the barrier. She asked me in turn if I was sure that I was OK with that. They didn't want to have to assist me if I should faint or anything. Now, I can become queasy with blood on certain occasions but when it involves my dear ones, I'm solid as rock. So I replied confidently that I was definitely OK.
I stood up then and when I looked at the procedure beyond the barrier, it was the very moment when--I could only describe it as--our child was "yanked" from her mother's womb. I saw the bloody bundle that was our child and she let out her first mighty cry to the world. It was an amazing scene to behold!
When I heard that first cry, something deep within me stirred: it was a kind of profound, existential and visceral sense that shouted "I am now a daddy!" Since I had previously consented to be the one to cut the umbilical cord joining baby with mommy (it was just a ceremonial action because they had actually done an initial cut already), they beckoned me to do so. Unfortunately, I let go of my wife's hand without so much as a word to her -- Sorry D! I think I was just excited and stressed and moved, all at the same time. So it was that I left her to go and perform the "cut."
After that, they had to wash and clean the newborn and dress her in her first "clothes." I had the presence of mind to ask them if I could record the whole procedure with a video cam (yes, I had that with me too!). I still keep all that precious footage up to today!
After little KH was all clean and dressed up, the nurse summoned me, gave her to me and told me to bring her back to our room from the birthing centre. I was so nervous. I had never had any previous experience of carrying a new-born but there I was, the new father. I had to say yes. I only knew that I had to support her head which I dutifully did.
KH was crying furiously. That was the sign of a healthy new-born. As I was carrying the precious, crying little bundle back to the room, I stopped and decided to speak to her with these very words spoken as tenderly as possible, "H, welcome to our world!" At that, she immediately stopped crying. The cute little one made as if to open her eyes (no, newborns can't see things clearly yet, I knew, so I was really moved). But our darling daughter tried to look at where the voice came from, a voice she probably recognized because I had read to her often when she was still in D's womb. It moved me immensely and brought tears of joy to my eyes ... even now it does!
There and then, I was able to grasp a little of what an "absolute kind" of love is all about. There and then, I knew that I was REALLY a dad now because when I looked at that little face that in turn was trying to recognize the face of her dad, I knew that I would love this daughter of mine with my whole heart, soul, and mind ... with everything I've got; even if that would mean giving my very life for her.
They say that the only absolute bond is between parent and child. I knew it then; I know it now. This experience of fatherhood, of parenthood ... is one of the closest things one will ever get to the experience of pure love and joy ... this side of the grave.
I savour and cherish it deeply!
