A Father's Day Memory: The Moment I Became a Daddy

holding the new born KH hours after her birth

Just past midnight: London, Ontario, Canada, June 8, 2008. Our daughter, KH was born around 12:45 am. I was assisting D (my wife) in the birthing room. Although D wanted a natural birth, circumstances beyond anyone's control forced her to consent to a C-section. We found ourselves then in the birthing room. I was holding my wife's hand while the C-section was being performed. There was like a (cloth?) barrier between D's upper body and abdomen area so that we would not see the bloody procedure being done inches away. However, I wanted to witness with my very eyes the birth of our child so I asked the doctor if I could stand up and see the procedure being conducted beyond the barrier. She asked me in turn if I was sure that I was OK with that. They didn't want to have to assist me if I should faint or anything. Now, I can become queasy with blood on certain occasions but when it involves my dear ones, I'm solid as rock. So I replied confidently that I was definitely OK.

I stood up then and when I looked at the procedure beyond the barrier, it was the very moment when--I could only describe it as--our child was "yanked" from her mother's womb. I saw the bloody bundle that was our child and she let out her first mighty cry to the world. It was an amazing scene to behold!

When I heard that first cry, something deep within me stirred: it was a kind of profound, existential and visceral sense that shouted "I am now a daddy!" Since I had previously consented to be the one to cut the umbilical cord joining baby with mommy (it was just a ceremonial action because they had actually done an initial cut already), they beckoned me to do so. Unfortunately, I let go of my wife's hand without so much as a word to her -- Sorry D! I think I was just excited and stressed and moved, all at the same time. So it was that I left her to go and perform the "cut."

After that, they had to wash and clean the newborn and dress her in her first "clothes." I had the presence of mind to ask them if I could record the whole procedure with a video cam (yes, I had that with me too!). I still keep all that precious footage up to today!

After little KH was all clean and dressed up, the nurse summoned me, gave her to me and told me to bring her back to our room from the birthing centre. I was so nervous. I had never had any previous experience of carrying a new-born but there I was, the new father. I had to say yes. I only knew that I had to support her head which I dutifully did.

KH was crying furiously. That was the sign of a healthy new-born. As I was carrying the precious, crying little bundle back to the room, I stopped and decided to speak to her with these very words spoken as tenderly as possible, "H, welcome to our world!" At that, she immediately stopped crying. The cute little one made as if to open her eyes (no, newborns can't see things clearly yet, I knew, so I was really moved). But our darling daughter tried to look at where the voice came from, a voice she probably recognized because I had read to her often when she was still in D's womb. It moved me immensely and brought tears of joy to my eyes ... even now it does!

There and then, I was able to grasp a little of what an "absolute kind" of love is all about. There and then, I knew that I was REALLY a dad now because when I looked at that little face that in turn was trying to recognize the face of her dad, I knew that I would love this daughter of mine with my whole heart, soul, and mind ... with everything I've got; even if that would mean giving my very life for her.

They say that the only absolute bond is between parent and child. I knew it then; I know it now. This experience of fatherhood, of parenthood ... is one of the closest things one will ever get to the experience of pure love and joy ... this side of the grave.

I savour and cherish it deeply!

Stranger Things S3 - Hopper's Letter to El: What a Loving Dad Fears …

At the end of Stranger Things Season 3, we see that Eleven (“El”) is with Joyce’s family because Hopper, her adoptive father, is presumably dead (incinerated in the Russian-run facility). (OK, I strongly believe he’s not dead though…)  Earlier in the season, Hopper wrote a letter to El in order to express his concern that she is spending way too much time with Mike, her boyfriend, in an unwholesome, exclusive way but he never got to speak with her about the contents of that letter because he took it all out on Mike and sternly prohibited him from continuing his and El’s relationship. At the end of the season though, El finds that never-communicated letter from her dad and reads it.

This is what the letter said:

There's something I've been wanting to talk to you both about. I know this is a difficult conversation, but I care about you both very much. And I know that you care about each other very much, and that's why it's important that we set these boundaries moving forward so we can build an environment where we all feel comfortable, trusted, and open to sharing our feelings. 

Feelings.Feelings.Jesus. The truth is, for so long I'd forgotten what those even were. I've been stuck in one place. In a cave, you might say. A deep, dark cave. And then I left some Eggos out in the woods and you came into my life. For the first time in a long time, I started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. But lately, I guess I've been feeling distant from you. Like you're pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night, making triple decker Eggo extravaganzas at sunrise, watching Westerns together before we doze off. 

But I know you're getting older, growing, changing. I guess, if I'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think maybe that's why I came in here, to try and make [us] stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were. But I know that's naive. It's just not how life works. It's moving, always moving, whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad. And sometimes, it's surprising. Happy. So you know what? Keep on growing up kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from 'em. When life hurts you, because it will, remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave. But, please, if you don't mind, for the sake of your poor old dad, keep the door open three inches.  

(Source: https://www.menshealth.com/entertainment/a28338013/stranger-things-hopper-eleven-letter-full-text/ )

Some of My Thoughts and Reflections

A Loving Father’s Fears … particularly, of Letting Go

This letter of Hopper to El touched me in a profound way. I’m asking myself why. I guess, it’s because over the last year and a half, our daughter KH seemed to have grown a lot—from a kid to a young woman!—(at least it seems) almost overnight! (Now I’m writing here from the perspective of a daddy who has a very close relationship with his only daughter … just like Hopper with El.) I can understandably relate a lot with Hopper’s sentiments in this letter. Up until now, KH (our daughter) has been our darling baby-girl, very close to us/to me; KH and I have spent a lot of time together: as a whole (small) family (with D my wife-her mom) to be sure, but we’ve also had so many very special exclusive daddy-daughter times, such as hiking, camping, watching movies, church, or even just talking in the car while going to or from school, etc. etc., things I (and hopefully she) will always savour and cherish all throughout life!

When D and I got married and we planned to have a child, I clearly wanted a daughter; D was more “neutral.” So when we did have a daughter, I was ecstatic since she was a wonderful answer to my prayers. Looking back at the eleven years we’ve spent together so far … I can only sigh in contentment and happiness – it’s really been a great first eleven years together as a family, and also as a daddy-daughter team!

But when I see her now growing rapidly into a young woman, I kind of feel that the time when she and I are inseparable (like up until now) might soon come to an end … because …well… that’s life. Your child has to move out into the big, wide world and not remain tied to her parents. And … as Hopper expressed it so eloquently in his letter, I’m scared … I dread it… Going back to the letter, Hopper says

But I know you're getting older, growing, changing. I guess, if I'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think maybe that's why I came in here, to try and make [us] stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were. But I know that's naive. It's just not how life works. It's moving, always moving, whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad. And sometimes, it's surprising. Happy

Upon closer reflection, this fear I have as a dad is actually an infallible and clear sign of the profound love I have for my daughter and, as far as I can tell, the profound love she has for me. I don’t know what the near future will bring but I hope and pray that that love which binds us all together as a family stays intact and continue to flourish as KH moves on to become an adolescent and a grown-up …

Feelings, even hurt feelings: a Clear Sign of Life and Love

Hopper relates in the letter that, for a while, he could not even “feel” anything. Life had so hurt him that he became numb … in short, unfeeling. It’s said that the opposite of love is not hate; it’s apathy—that uncaring attitude which is a sure sign that you are no longer interested in something, that you’ve died to something … or someone…

Life is tough; it can hurt us in many ways. When we get hurt to such an extent that we lose all interest in life and cease to have any feeling for anything, then that’s really the end. As long as we feel something, even hurt or anger, then it’s a sign that we’re alive.

The last part of Hopper’s letter is a gem. He says, “remember the hurt” because, as I said above, it’s a sign that you’re alive, that you’re not insensitive and numb.

For some years now, I’ve been advocating the spirituality of “Savour & Cherish” as two very important traits of a way of life that puts an accent on living to the full the NOW of one’s life. SAVOUR! What? Anything and everything in life, be they good or bad. The good is to be savoured because, among other things, it will encourage us during the tough times in life. But the negative, annoying, dark and ugly things in life (such as hurt feelings) as well are also equally to be “savoured.” Why? Because they can teach us precious lessons that we will never learn if everything is good and smooth-sailing… And the rule in life I know is THERE IS NO GROWTH AND DEEPENING WITHOUT PAIN!

I also noted that Hopper’s letter gives us a rare glimpse into one man’s (male) inner feelings of vulnerability. We men usually have a lot of difficulty acknowledging and honouring our feelings. Women are generally better in this than us. But it is a necessary task in life, even for men. Our feelings teach us a lot about ourselves, about who are the important people in our lives, about life itself. Let’s not be afraid to work with our feelings! (That’s a note to myself more than anything!)

Those are the things I thought about when thinking about Hopper’s touching letter.